Decisions Decisions Decisions
Decisions, decisions, decisions. Life is full of them. And just recently I feel like I made one of the most important decisions of my life. I decided to upgrade from a Queen Size bed to the King. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for months now and finally pulled the trigger on. Now I can’t imagine my life without it. And just in case you’re wondering what El Presidente qualifies as some of the most important quality of life decisions I’ve ever made, I’ve compiled a list of my top 10 to this point.
1. King Size bed vs. everything else
I need my space when I sleep. And I love the First Lady and all, but she’s a crowder. When we had the Queen Size bed she was always creeping onto my side and forcing me into the wall during the night. I secretly couldn’t wait for her alarm to go off in the morning so I could just spread myself out and get some power sleep for a couple hours. But now I don’t care. I don’t even realize she’s in the room anymore. It’s freaking great. If I worked at a competitor of Barstool Sports, I’d be quaking in my boots now that I’m going to be operating on 10 hours of sleep every night. In my prior life I needed 2 Large Dunkin Donuts just so I wouldn’t fall asleep by noon. Now I feel like I’m on ecstasy three sips into my coffee. I’m blogging about shit that didn't even happen yet and it’s all because of the power of the King Size bed.
2. Mach 3 vs. Prehistoric Razors
Anybody who isn’t using a Mach 3 or better right now is an idiot. End of story. It’s not even up for debate. However, there was a time many, many moons ago when switching to the Mach 3 was a big decision in people’s lives. Lots of people were still using disposable razors which were the equivalent of trying to drive with square wheels. And others were caught in the electric razor craze. But once people tried the Mach 3, there were no more decisions to be made. It took shaving to a whole new level.
3. Getting Your First Pair Of Decent Golf Clubs
I had the same set of golf clubs from age 12 to age 24. I just didn’t play enough to justify investing in a nice set of clubs. And then thankfully a robber broke into my car on Newbury Street and stole them out of my trunk. As a side note, the thief somehow left my brand new Dell laptop in the trunk and opted for my Building 19 golf clubs instead. Unless this guy was a vintage golf club collector and was planning on taking my sticks to the Antiques Road Show, I think it’s safe to say it was one of the worst decisions in the history of crime. Anyway, this act of god forced me to buy new clubs. And luckily at the time my girlfriend’s dad worked at Golf Day which was in the process of going out of business and was having a huge sale and I got 50% off on top of that. The end result was that I got Calloway X-14’s and Big Bertha woods. Now, I don’t know how I ever played golf without them. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a serious golfer or a casual golfer everybody should have decent clubs. It makes the game so much easier and enjoyable when you don’t have to hit the ball absolutely perfect to get okay results.
4. Stadium Seating at the Movies
I won’t go to a movie theater without stadium seating. I refuse to do it. In fact I think any movie that doesn’t have stadium seating should be blown up. It’s hard to believe that stadium seating is a relatively new phenomenon. I mean, it seems so obvious. But it wasn’t that long ago when your fate at the movies rested on who sat in front of you. I mean if you got hit with anybody over 6 feet tall or a girl from Revere with huge hair, you were cooked. You had to do that whole head tilt thing to try and sneak a peek through people’s heads. And there were certain parts of the screen that were blocked from you. It almost like sitting behind a pole at Fenway. Yet it took seemingly forever for the movies to develop stadium seating. Now the only thing you have to worry about is whether you’re going to get an open seat next to you or not.
5. Listening To Sports Talk Radio Vs. Music
I’m sure this will be a highly debated life decision. But I’ve quit listening to sports talk radio, specifically WEEI. I just can’t take it anymore. I always used to listen to it and I’d get so mad that I’d end up almost having a coronary before I got out of the car. And the thing about it is that I know that 99.9% of the callers are idiots with no lives kind of like the people who comment on our blog. And I also know that it is the job of the radio hosts to create controversy and say ridiculous stuff to provoke the idiot callers out of hibernation. Yet I’d still end up working myself into a lather listening to it. So I decided to do what I should have done a long time ago. I just quit listening to talk radio and started listening to music. Now I feel like I have a much better outlook on life. I bet the number of reported road rage cases would be cut in half in MA if WEEI lost its signal.
6. Joining the Facebook Revolution
I resisted against this one for a long time. It just seemed so lame. I mean people asking other people to be their “friends” on the internet and stuff like that. No thanks. I’ll leave AOL instant messaging and Myspace to the dorks and losers of the world. But then something strange started happening. Lots of our cover models started telling me that they had profiles on facebook and so did all their friends and that it was the best way to communicate with them. So I decided to set up a profile for Barstool Sports. And guess what? It was one of the best decisions we’ve ever made as a company. There are so many hot chicks on facebook it’s mind boggling. And apparently none of these girls have watched the Dateline special on Internet Predators because they’ll talk to anybody and have no problems posting pictures of themselves in all sorts of compromising positions. For a smut peddler like me or a run of the mill pervert, it’s a virtual gold mine.
7. TV on Planes
I was an early adopter on this one. I mean the concept of your own television on an airplane was an absolute no brainer for me. Now, I absolutely refuse to fly anywhere on any airline that doesn’t have a TV. Free ticket to Hawaii? No thanks. I mean I’d rather fly around the world 9 times on Jet Blue to get to New York than take a direct flight on an airline that doesn’t have TV. In fact, the last time I flew anywhere, the TV’s on my aisle were actually broken. I got Nintendo Thumb from pressing the stewardess button so many times. They offered my row a 5 dollar rebate for the inconvenience. 5 Bucks! I wanted to take the 5 dollars and stuff it in the stewardess mouth Million Dollar Man style. I literally almost jumped out the window. Luckily there were a few open seats at the back of the plane so I squished in-between two monster fat people just so I could have a TV. That’s how much it means to me.
8. Should I buy an F1 Shirt?
This one really doesn’t fit with this article but luckily we have no editor and it’s my paper so I can write whatever I want. Anyway, last year the First Lady and I went to F1 in Montreal. It was a pretty cool event. I came very close to buying a Michael Schumacher F1 Ferrari shirt complete with the shell gasoline patches all over it. I thought it was a fairly cool shirt and doubly cool since we actually went to the event. I decided against it because it was like 300 bucks or something ridiculous like that. Anyway, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t thank my lucky stars that I didn’t purchase it. The reason is because I feel like these shirts are only worn by dudes who are trying to be ultra cool and slick. I see people wearing them at Scoozi and the Armani Café. Every time I see one I want to go up them and ask how Shumaker did last week and look at their dazed and confused face. Anyway, the bottom line is that I feel like people would have thought I was a poser if I wore a F1 shirt even though I actually went to the race and I want everybody to like me. I’m like George Costanza.
9. Gambling Online vs. with a Bookie
I love how the Government is trying to shut down the online gambling industry. They are so stupid it’s unbelievable. Do me a favor guys and do some research on it before you condemn it. Online gambling is the best thing that ever happened to degenerate gamblers and the safest. Anybody who bets will tell you that. I’ve never heard of an offshore casino coming into town to break somebody’s legs. The reason is because you need to pony up the cash upfront before you can bet. And anybody who has been to Vegas can tell you that it’s much harder betting 500 dollars in Vegas than it is from the comfort of your couch with your bookie. The bottom line is that switching to an offshore casino is the best way to get your gambling addiction under control.