Did you know that Joe Buck had ice dancing ambitions at some point in his spare time? That actually may or may not be true, but he did provide some context for his love of golf outside of work.

"Golf is the only thing I have left. I'm not going to compete in powerlifting with anybody. I'm not going to compete in downhill skiing or ice dancing." - Joe Buck

The key phrase in this statement is "only thing I have left." If you have something by itself because the other things left, that would insinuate you once had them. Do you follow? The questions that need to be asked of Joe Buck are:

1.) Were you able at one point in your life to compete in powerlifting and ice dancing competitions?

2.) Did you at one point in your life compete in powerlifting and/or ice dancing competitions?

Either scenario in Question 2 may well have been more entertaining than Joe Buck Live.

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth

"I'm the Mark DeRosa of the broadcast team." - Steve Phillips

Only true if DeRosa becomes a horrible General Manager of the Mets and pretend General Manager of the Dodgers, Cubs, Astros, Red Sox and Yankees during an episode of SportsCenter after his playing days pass.
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"I think in the very short term the way the schedule sets up, La Russa could resort to a modified four-man rotation. In the long term, the club could resort to bullpen games." - Bryan Burwell

Nothing screams playoff team like the combination of Brad Thompson, Blake Hawksworth and Jason Motte. Just what a playoff team needs on the backend of their rotation.
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Dear Summer-Vacation-Diary: by Peter King

July 20, Boston.Trip to the urologist. Regular checkup. Two docs. First doc examines me, and I should say he examines me thoroughly. He leaves and the other doc comes in. Very nice fellow, just like the first one. He puts on the rubber glove. Whoa! Whoa! This, uh, already happened! Second urologist wants to check out the situation for himself. Examines me a little more thoroughly. Other than the self-inflicted left-hand bite mark, all's right with the world. Gosh, I love vacation. - Peter King

In all likelihood, you'd think an editor would scoff at the notion of the leading football columnist recapping his summer vacation tales in the main football column. And you'd think including details of a trip to the urologist would be scoffed at, stepped on and lit on fire in the office trash can. Not with Peter King. He's been writing about his bowels and urinary tract for close to three years. Peter is hoping to lock a Liberty Mutual and Centrum sponsorship for each of his health related paragraphs in the coming weeks.

Michael Vick Finally Completes a Sentence

As expected, the media covered Vick's release to normal society two weeks ago with ample saturation. The media also provided some unintentional comedy as only it can.



The sentence Vick finished reads as follows ...

DeEr sOsiaty,

I am soRREe four tha dawg-FigGHTING rinG.

MiChaelll

IN OTHER NEWS ...



Michael Crabtree should know that teammates need to be rubbed on the buttocks and inner thighs in a forceful yet sensual manner. Stupid rookie.

Stool Samples is written by Barstool Sport's resident media craptologist, Patrick Imig. You can email him at patrick@joesportsfan.com.