Random Thoughts

DANBURY, Conn.—A woman accused of groping Santa Claus at a Connecticut mall won't have to serve any jail time if she stays out of trouble.

Sandrama Lamy has been sentenced under an accelerated rehabilitation program that will wipe her record clean if she completes two years of probation.

Danbury Superior Court Judge Susan Reynolds on Wednesday also ordered the 33-year-old to stay away from the Danbury Fair Mall.

In December, Lamy was charged with fourth-degree sexual assault and breach of peace for allegedly touching Santa inappropriately while sitting on his lap at the mall. 

First of all, breach of peace?  Breach of peace??  How the f*ck is a handjob breach of peace?  If anything it’s a sign of peace…  especially during the holidays, and especially to Santa.  It's like losing big at Foxwoods on Thanksgiving. Regardless it looks like the judge kicked this woman right where it hurts and simply banned her from going to the mall.  Yes, the death sentence for a 33 year old chick from suburban Connecticut.  Fair punishment?  Time will tell.  Deterrent?  I doubt it.  It’s been said before, but if a chick wants to give a handjob to a mall Santa, then a chick’s gonna give a handjob to a mall Santa!  I’m no Roger Cossack, but frankly I don’t think there’s anything anybody can do to stop her. 

Shit. What a difference a week makes. I was hoping to not have to bust out this picture of yours truly at all this season. (Yes, that is really me) But 19 fucking goals in 3 games (minus the F-L-A game, it's 18 in 2)?. Great way to curtail a fledgling bandwagon. Tim Thomas, one of the NHL's weekly 3 Stars last week, has suddenly morphed into Marlo Thomas. Jesus H, a week ago Bs fans were doing the Alligator with Bluto and Stork at a killer toga party but now we're at a pre-wonder joints Tri Lamb gig awkwardly sitting between Wormser and Takashi. As my 16-year-old goomah would attest, WTF?

Playing an 'apparently pissed off since their GM threw up the white flag at the trade deadline' Maple Queefs squad, the Bruins got thrown around like day old, still blind cubs, suffering an 8-2 bitchslap. It's been ugly enough this week to put an APB out for Missing Manny Fernandez. And shit's not gonna get any easier. After losing three straight to teams currently out of playoff contention, the Bs next three are the against the suddenly hungry AO-led Caps, the 6th seed old rival Rangers, and the helter-skelter Sens.

Maybe it was lethargy from their 4th game and six nights. Or maybe Thomas'
confidence didn't make the trip back from DC. Or maybe, as some say, they're just not that good. But this team needs to get it's ass in gear, and soon, before the wheels come off of what has been a feel good, potential turn-the-corner season. Not having two of your top four D (Alberts and Ward) certainly doesn't help. And Hnidy, while a snarly vet, hasn't come as billed though he gets points for his late game fire last night (by the way, how the hell do you give one guy a fighting penalty and not the other? Wouldn't that just be roughing, a double minor, or even a match penalty?)

Perhaps a dose of fresh blood from the strip joint capital of NE would jar this team out of it's funk (Lashoff? Hunwick? Tuukka the Savior?). Whatever the case, they still have an invite to the Spring Dance as of today. But it's up to them whether the invitation gets mailed or not. The guess here?
The Celtics dancers won't be the only scantily clad women shaking their asses in the Fake Garden come Marathon time; the Ice Girls will be there as well. Led by Whitney, of course.

Reader Email

Yo,

I read your site at work, and think its hilarious.  I believe I have a screenshot you wont believe.  I receive email reminders from ticketmaster about upcoming concerts, and today was no different.  I received a reminder about the Kayne West concert at tweeter in May.  So I tried to see if any tickets were available, I enter the amount of tickets and the location and it prompts me to a security page where you have to type a security word in a box exactly as it appears on screen.  Well they gave me two words, and the second word you won't believe.  I have attached the screenshot. If only the screenshot said for the kayne west concert i could send it to him and im sure ticketmaster would hear about it.  This is just hysterical.  MY co-worker who sits next to me at work thought I was messing but I'm no internet designer I couldn't make this shit up. 

-Val F.

(NSFW, language)

Danny Noriega got voted off American Idol last night, and I'm afraid this video didn't help his cause. This thing really surprised me, frankly. I thought I knew Danny pretty well, and I had him pegged as one of those guys who a sucker for traditional stuff like Christmas, family values, and a Santa Claus that doesn't rape your mother. Go figure. But you're not winning Idol with an attitude like this. For America, an Idol contestant that wants us to get coal in our stockings because we're all piece of shits is TMTH. That's exactly what did in Clay Aiken.

EL Presidente Speaking Now (The Mythical Barstool Double Blog)

I know that people love to bash the Stool and specifically me for my love of reality TV.    But for my money reality TV is still the funniest shit on television by a mile.  And if you don’t agree then either you’ve never given it a chance or you have no sense of humor.   Yesterday we posted that clip of CT dumping a beer on Adam's head which was brilliant and just when you think it can't get any better we get this elimination ceremony on American Idol.  

Apparently Chikeze's parents didn't get Jake Taylor's memo not to celebrate in the clubhouse because other people just died in there.    I mean in all my years of watching American Idol I’ve never seen an elimination reaction like that.  Hilarious.  

And if you still think I’m gay let me ask you another question.  Why would a gay man dress these chicks in these outfits last night?   Case closed.

From: BC Transportation and Parking
Sent: Mar 7, 2008 2:33 PM
Subject: Parking Advisory

Due to the heavy rain forecast, all cars parked on campus after 5:00 pm tonight, must be put into the Commonwealth Garage by 6:00 pm, Friday, March 7, 2008 until Sunday after 5:00 pm.

Vehicles not in the garage may be ticketed and/or towed. 

Your cooperation is appreciated.

A parking ban because of rain? Fucking Superfans. Such Pussies!

I can't believe it's Friday already and we nearly went the whole week without looking at a Sex Scandal Teacher.

Crystal Wells, 33, a former math teacher at Deming High School in Mount Olivet, Kentucky has been indicted on six counts of third degree-rape of a 15-year-old male student. Wells is alleged to have engaged in sex with the boy four times in August and twice in November.

She came to the attention of authorities when the boy’s family members found text messages on the his cell phone which they felt were indicative of a sexual relationship. Reportedly Wells provided the boy with the cell phone and the two had exchanged over 3,000 text messages. According to school officials the alleged sexual activity between Wells and student happened off school property. If convicted Wells faces up to 5 years in prison and a fine of up to $10,000.

I don't think it's unreasonable to say Crystal is the victim here. Of bad legal advice. I mean sure, the phone purchase and the 3,000 text messages would seem like the authorities have the goods on her. If she were any other teacher. But she's a math teacher, and therein lies her alibi. "I wasn't seducing him; I was tutoring him. A student is 15. His teacher is twice his age plus 3 years. If she texts him 3,000 times and has sex with him four times at the risk of 5 years in jail, and a $10,000 fine, how many orgasms can the boy give her? Show your work... "

The Grades:
Looks: Unfortunately, we don't have a picture of Crystal other than this one, which looks like it was taken with the nose camera of an air-to-ground missle. Still, I suspect she'd clean up really well. Grade: B
Moral Compass/Bad Judgement: Big points for Miss Wells well thought-out plan. "Hey sport! Boy you're certainly texting up a storm! Who's the lucky girl? Wait. Where'd you get a cell phone.." But loses points because what's with this "off school property" business? No guts, no grades. Grade: C
Intangibles: "Crystal Wells." This is what you get when you give your daughter a stripper name. Grade: B+
Overall: B But can raise the grade with a better photo. Extra credit is always available in this class.

MIDDLETOWN, Del. -- Police said Tuesday they raided a home where they said much more than strip poker was being played.  Police said a man turned a poker game with neighborhood residents into his business, with thousands of dollars on the table, high-priced buy-ins, credit card machines and occasionally, nudity.  Police said 37-year-old William Shane Anderson, his wife Laurie, 37, and 20-year-old Matthew Balotin, were released on bail Monday after being charged with first-degree advancing gambling, providing a premise for gambling, possession of gambling devices, three counts of endangering the welfare of a child, and conspiracy.  Police said they were also questioning the Andersons' parenting skills, as they said the gambling was going on as the children were in the house, and even said their mother, a stripper, helped run the business. "On occasion, she was also a dealer and she would deal topless, as well as basically serve liquor," said Middletown Police Chief Hank Tobin.

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times.  What’s the point of having a topless dealer at an underground poker house if the topless dealer is a 37 year old ugly woman?    It defeats the entire purpose of having her being naked in the first place.   Go out and hire some hot bitch to be your dealer.  I mean is there any doubt that the guy who tipped the police off was a disgruntled customer who was sick of looking at the owner’s wife’s saggy tits all night long?   When are young entrepreneurs going to learn that if you don’t invest in the infrastructure of the company then you’re never going to succeed?

From ESPN.com:

The excitement in her voice was unmistakable.

Jessica Steinbrenner was chatting up her 3-year-old colt Majestic Warrior, and wanted it known that her father is caught up in more than just spring training.  

"He had a great chance a few years ago with Bellamy Road but that didn't work out. He's excited all over again." On Saturday, the Steinbrenners will find out whether Majestic Warrior moves forward on the road to the May 3 Derby when he runs in the $600,000 Louisiana Derby.

Well to say Bellamy Road "didn’t work out" in the ’05 Derby is like saying Kevin Brown "didn’t work out" in Game 7 in 2004.  The only difference was I didn’t lose any money on Kevin Brown, freakin Bellamy Road cost me 300 bucks that day.  This time though, the Steinbrenners (George, Hank, Hal, Jessica, are there any others?) are hoping Majestic Warrior (20-1 on the DRF Derby Watch) can finally bring them to the winner’s circle the first Saturday in May.   I’ll tell you right now I’m not betting any Steinbrenner horse, not this time.  I see Bill Mott (Cigar) is in at trainer, but fool me once Big Stein, shame on me.  Fool me twice and I’ll need a second job. 

Whatever happens, as long as Jessica Steinbrenner (above) doesn’t get into a bikini like these 3 Jessica's (below) I think we’ll be okay. 

ORLANDO, Fla. -- PGA Tour player Tripp Isenhour was charged with killing a hawk on purpose with a golf shot because it was making noise as he videotaped a TV show.  Isenhour was with a film crew for "Shoot Like A Pro" on Dec. 12 at the Grand Cypress Golf course. The 39-year-old player, whose real name is John Henry Isenhour III, was charged Wednesday with cruelty to animals and killing a migratory bird. The charges carry a maximum penalty of 14 months in jail and $1,500 in fines. Isenhour apologized in a statement and said he was only trying to scare the hawk away. According to court documents, Isenhour got upset when a red-shouldered hawk began making noise, forcing another take. He began hitting balls at the bird, then 300 yards away, but gave up. Isenhour started again when the hawk moved within about 75 yards, Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officer Brian Baine indicated in a report. Isenhour allegedly said "I'll get him now," and aimed for the hawk. "About the sixth ball came very near the bird's head, and [Isenhour] was very excited that it was so close," Baine wrote. A few shots later, witnesses said he hit the hawk. The bird, protected as a migratory species, fell to the ground bleeding from both nostrils. Isenhour said his family has adopted three cats from a local shelter. "I am an animal lover," he said. "We ask that everyone accept my sincerest apology, and please be respectful of my family's privacy."

For the record let me just say that I am an animal lover wack job.   I’d totally join Greenpeace for animals if there was such a thing in Abington.    Therefore, it shouldn’t be surprising that I think Tripp should be executed.    And not only for killing the bird either.  What kind of douchbag changes their name from John to Tripp?  You have to be a jerk of epic proportion to make that switch.  Maybe I can understand changing your name to Max Power, but Trip Isenhour III?  That name has asshole written all over it.   Figures this guy has cats too.  That’s like the only animal I don’t like.    So spare me the song and dance about being sorry and respecting your family’s privacy.   Don’t go murdering Red Shouldered Hawks and we won’t go searching for pictures of your daughter on the Internet.

Congratulations to Whitney who is our 2007 Cover Model of the Year. Yes I'd still marry her, but no I didn't rig it. I feel like the Bruins should honor her in between periods at the next home game or something. Anyway thank you to all our cover models who graced the pages of Barstool Sports this past year. And more importantly thank you to all the perverts and creep shows who pick up the Stool just to see them. Finally thanks to everybody who showed up to Liquor Store last night. Hopefully everybody had a great time! Now enjoy some Whitney! I'm going back to sleep.

Click Here For Whitney's Meet the Model

Click Here for Whitney's Smokeshow of the day gallery.  

Much more Lisa here...

Who do you want to Wake Up with? Ub@barstoolsports.com